Big Feels, Bigger Hearts: Navigating Life with a Challenging Dog
Embracing the Journey
Living with a dog who has big feelings can feel overwhelming. Whether it’s fear, overexcitement, or uncertainty about the world, these dogs present unique challenges. But they also offer something even greater: life lessons in patience, empathy, and love.
This blog is here to remind you that you’re not alone on this journey. Together, we’ll explore how to navigate the ups and downs, celebrate small victories, and grow into a stronger team—one step at a time.
Beware of Labels
Dogs with big feelings may bark and lunge at passing dogs or strangers, hide when visitors come over or freeze in unfamiliar environments. As their humans, these behaviors can feel overwhelming, even embarrassing. But it’s important to remember: these reactions are not about being “stubborn,” “disobedient,” or “aggressive.”
Humans often rely on labels to make sense of the world. While labels can save time—calling a dog “reactive,” for instance, is easier than describing every subtle behavior—they only work when everyone agrees on what the label means. Unfortunately, when it comes to dog behavior, labels are often misunderstood or misused.
More than that, labels can hinder progress. When we define our dogs as “reactive,” “stubborn,” or “aggressive,” we may feel let down or hurt by our dog's behavior. These labels can block curiosity and compassion, leaving us feeling frustrated, hopeless, and disconnected from our dogs.
Another issue with labels is that they’re rarely accurate. A dog’s response to one situation isn’t necessarily a predictor of how they’ll respond in another. Take my dog, Rory, for example. If a stranger enters our home, he may bark, tense up, charge forward, then retreat. Someone might label him “aggressive.” However, if that same stranger passes us on the street, Rory will likely remain calm—his body relaxed, his gaze neutral, and his movements loose. In this scenario, he might be labeled “calm.”
This inconsistency is also common in leash-reactive dogs. A dog who barks and lunges at other dogs on a leash might be labeled “dog aggressive,” yet that same dog may thrive during off-leash playdates. The barking and lunging could stem from fear (needing distance from the trigger) or frustration (wanting to get closer). While the behaviors look the same, the underlying emotions—and the solutions—are completely different.
When we move beyond labels and focus on understanding the root of our dogs’ emotions, we open the door to empathy and progress. Instead of asking, “Why is my dog acting this way?” ask, “What is my dog feeling, and how can I help?” By observing the function of their behavior, we can respond with compassion, not judgment, and strengthen our bond in the process.
The Emotional Rollercoaster of Living with a Challenging Dog
“Walking down the street, I felt every eye on me as my dog barked and lunged at a passing jogger. I just wanted to disappear”. Sound familiar?
Being a dog parent to a pup with big feelings can be an emotional rollercoaster. You may find yourself feeling:
- Frustrated: Why isn’t training working? Why is every walk so stressful?
- Guilty: Am I failing my dog? Are they happy?
- Embarrassed: What do people think when they see my dog acting out?
- Exhausted: Will things ever get better?
These feelings are normal and valid. Living with a challenging dog can stretch us emotionally, but it can also help us grow. When we approach these challenges as opportunities to deepen our bond with our dog, we learn to see them not as problems but as partners on a journey of mutual growth.
Shifting Perspective: From Problem to Partnership
When we reframe our perspective, we can see our dog’s challenges as opportunities for connection rather than obstacles to overcome. Here’s how:
- Reframe Challenges as Opportunities: Each difficult moment is a chance to build trust and communication. If your dog reacts to a trigger, it’s a learning moment for both of you. Note what triggered your dog, the intensity, and the proximity, and make a plan for what you could do to avoid a similar situation next time.
- Celebrate Small Wins: Progress is rarely linear. A two-minute successful walk or a moment of choosing to disengage from a trigger is worth celebrating.
- Advocate for Your Dog: Stand up for their needs by setting boundaries, know their limits, say no to situations they aren’t ready for, and believe them when they show you they are struggling. To quote Emily Strong “If in Doubt Get Em Out!”
Practical Strategies for Supporting Your Dog
Before you can help advocate for your dog and teach them new skills for coping with stressors, you need to be able to understand how they are communicating with you and others around them.
-
This video explains how to read subtle stress signals, like lip licking or yawning, that might go unnoticed: Understanding Dog Body Language.
-
For free e-books, and links to other resources visit my resources page.
-
Make a list of what triggers your dog (scary or exciting objects, people, pets, environments, weather, etc that illicit over-reactive behaviors).
-
Find out what their threshold for each trigger is.
-
Review the Canine ladder of escalation and create one for your dog using the body language they display.
Tools like baby gates, long lines, crates, and quiet spaces help prevent unwanted situations while giving your dog the support they need. For example:
- Create a safe space at home where they can decompress.
- Mask out triggering sounds or visuals using calming music, or window film.
- Teach your dog to wear a party hat AKA a muzzle so it’s less stressful if they need one at the vets.
- When you notice signs of stress calmly and quickly assess the situation to determine the cause of your dog’s stress.
- Without punishment or “correction” find a way to get your dog out of the situation by either removing the dog (hands-free is the best option) or by removing the trigger.
- Remember to be calm! It’s very easy for humans to make a situation worse through their own escalation of stress, fear, and threatening actions.
- Make a note of the who, what, when, and where of the situation to better identify triggers and common threads.
- Make a plan of how to manage or modify those triggers next time.
Work at your dog’s pace, and know they will have good and bad days too.
When you learn how they communicate stress, what triggers them and how to tell when they are moving up or down their ladder of escalation you will be better equipped to recognize early signs and make more informed decisions.
Never punish your dog for communicating. When we punish our dogs for telling us how they feel we miss the opportunity to learn and then teach them alternative skills and we can make the situation more dangerous in the long run.
Remember, progress takes time.
To quote my and Rory’s Behavior Consultant Ellen Yoakum “These are marathon dogs, not sprinters”.
Taking Care of Yourself
Caring for a challenging dog can be emotionally draining. Make time to recharge by engaging in activities that bring you joy, whether it’s reading, yoga, or simply sitting with a cup of tea.
You’re not alone in this journey. Join online groups or connect with other dog parents who understand what you’re going through. Sharing experiences can be incredibly validating and uplifting.
Email me if you’d like to join my list for a future remote support group rachael@dogschoice.com, for a safe space to share wins, struggles, and tips while connecting with others navigating similar journeys.
Be kind to yourself. Mistakes will happen. Treat yourself with the same empathy you show your dog. Ask yourself: What would I say to a friend in my position? Then say that to yourself.
The Power of a Big Heart
Dogs with big feelings often teach us some of life’s most important lessons. They show us:
- Patience: Growth takes time, and setbacks are part of the process.
- Empathy: Understanding their world helps us grow into more compassionate humans.
- Resilience: Both you and your dog are capable of overcoming challenges together.
These dogs remind us that love isn’t about perfection—it’s about showing up, day after day, with an open heart.
You Are Not Alone
Living with a challenging dog is a journey filled with highs and lows. But remember, you don’t have to be perfect—you just have to be present. You and your dog are learning and growing together, step by step.
Next time you feel overwhelmed, take a deep breath, look into your dog’s eyes, and remind yourself: Big feels may come with challenges, but they also come with the biggest rewards.
Leave a comment below about your experiences with your dog’s big feelings. What have you learned along the way?
Consider booking a consultation for personalized, force-free training strategies tailored to your dog’s needs.
Our blog may have affiliate links, so if you buy through them, we get a small commission (at no extra cost to you). We only recommend stuff we have tried and tested and love, which we hope will benefit you and your pup too!